Over the years, I’ve given and received advice on what to look for when you first meet a guy. What’s equally as important, but not always discussed, is what are the warning signs that a guy probably isn’t worth your time. Since this has become the recent topic amongst my circle of friends, I’ve come up with my list of ten warning signs (in no particular order) to look out for when you first get to know someone:
1.) He’s unavailable.
No one expects a guy to answer the phone on the first ring or call you back within the hour every single time you leave a message – especially not in the beginning of a relationship (Remember, he had a life before he met you). But, if you see a pattern in his availability (i.e. You communicate constantly during work hours, but you can never get in touch with him on weekends; or, you get return calls during the day, but only text replies at night), chances are he’s: a. already taken or b. just not that into you.
2.) He’s inconsistent.
I’m sure every woman has met this guy at least once in their life:
He’s funny, outgoing, and sweet on the first date; he’s cold, nonchalant, and aloof on the phone the day after. Or, he’s affectionate, and attentive on the phone; he’s inconsiderate, rude, and arrogant in person.
Or how about he’s a modern day version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, where you never know who your going to get with each encounter: The mild-mannered, patient guy, or the sulky, “my-life-sucks” guy with unpredictable mood swings (I call them MMC’s or Male Menstrual Cycles.)
Guys who seem to always be switching personalities are either playing head games, or they’re truly bipolar (and not on any medication). Either way, don’t deal with it. If he’s like this in the beginning, it’ll only get worse.
3.) He’s self-centered.
This is the guy that monopolizes the conversation with stories about himself. You can barely get a word in edgewise, unless it’s to ask him about something about him. Even if you do start talking, chances are that instead of listening, he’s thinking about what he’s going to say next. He also finds a way to turn every topic into something about him.
(I once dated a guy who could find himself in everything-and I do mean everything-that was going on. If we were watching a movie about roman gladiators, he would interrupt the movie to talk about how he was meant to be a warrior and he should have been born during that time. If we were listening to a Tupac song, he would talk about how the lyrics spoke to his life, and then proceed to give examples. If you told him that someone you knew died, instead of consoling you, he would talk about how he felt when he lost someone he knew. Me, “I just found out my aunt died.” Him, “Yeah, that’s messed up. I remember when I lost my boy, so-and-so. It really messed me up, because…”) See what I mean?
This type of guy is too in love with himself to ever give you the attention you deserve. Take my advice on this one, and move on. Chances are, he won’t even notice.
4.) He talks about sex or brings up topics of a sexual nature too soon.
Let’s be honest, most guys are thinking about it when they first meet a girl (most guys are thinking about it period); but, when a guy starts diving straight into the sex talk, and you haven’t even gone on your first date, he’s only got one thing in mind when it comes to you. Seeing if he can get you to start talking about sex is his way of fishing around to see how receptive you are to the idea.
Most guys that do this won’t be that obvious. It might be a seemingly harmless conversation: “Hey, I saw this interesting article about women and multiple orgasms. Does that really happen? What’s the most you’ve had during one night?” Sometimes, they won’t even try be smooth about it: “Hey, what are you doing? How’s your day going? What’s your favorite sexual position?” Whether it’s in the form of casual conversation, harmless flirting, or a blatant come-on, any guy that brings up sex in the first few days of knowing you, doesn’t really want to know much else about you.
5.) He promises you the moon, and he doesn’t know your last name.
You meet a guy and within the first few days (sometimes hours), he’s talking about how hard he’s falling for you. He’s talking marriage, kids, and family, but you barely know each other. He admits that it’s crazy for him to feel this way, but he doesn’t know what it is about you; he’s never felt like this before. He’s even considering the L-word when it comes to you. If you meet this type of guy, don’t think, just run. Typically, guys don’t “fall” for women based on a couple of good conversations. Even if they do feel a spark, usually guys aren’t that open with their feelings. A guy that starts talking like this is either: a.) playing head games or b.) crazy/deranged. More often than not, he’s just trying get you to lower your guards and open your legs. If he really feels like he loves you (and he doesn’t even know your birthday), you might want to consider changing your number.
6.) He brags about what he has.
Any guy that brags about how much he makes, what type of car he has, or how big his house is, is superficial and insecure. The worst part is that he’s probably grossly exaggerating the truth or totally lying. These type of guys don’t have much else to offer you beyond the superficial, so they hope to impress you as much as they can in advance. Remember, men that are secure and men that actually have a lot going for them don’t need to brag.
7.) He’s not financially stable.
Things happen. Someone can lose a job, get sick, or go through a nasty divorce, and before they know it, they’re facing a major setback. I’m not necessarily talking about this type of guy. I’m talking about the guy who been unemployed more than he’s been employed. I’m talking about the 30 year-old who currently lives with his mom or maybe his grandma and has never lived anywhere else. I’m talking about the father, who has only lived with either his baby mama, his mother, or a girlfriend (never at his own place). This type of guy is not even worth your time. He’s comfortable living off women, and he has no means or intention of taking care of himself. And, if he can’t take care of himself, he can’t take care of you (whether you ever need him to or not). A man doesn’t need to be making six figures, but he needs to come to the table with something. At the bare minimum, he needs to at least be self-sufficient. Unless you’re in the market for another dependent, don’t bother with this one.
8.) He makes excuses as to why he doesn’t see his child(ren) or why he can’t take care of them.
Break-ups are hard. And when you throw children into the mix, it can get become damn near impossible for two people to even remain cordial to one another. Regardless of what has and continues to transpire between 2 exes, there’s no good reason why either can’t be a part of their children’s lives. A man should be moving heaven and earth to try to get to his kids. I’ve seen men drive back and forth out of state every other weekend see their kids. I’ve seen men relocate their homes and jobs to be closer to their children. I’ve seen men go through verbal and mental abuse from the ex, just to be able to be a father to their son or daughter. I’ve seen men spend most of their money and vacation leave going to court to fight for visitation or custody.
So when a guy tells you he doesn’t see his kids because “their mom won’t let me” or he tells you “I can’t see my kids because I would have to see my ex-wife, and I hate her”, take heed! If a guy can give up on or abandon his own seed, how important can you ever be to him?
9.) He’s doesn’t have a girlfriend/wife, but…
“I still mess around with my ex, but I don’t want to be with her.” “My wife and I are separated and we still live together, but we’re not having sex.” “I see my babymama every once in awhile, but we’re not together.” Sound familiar? Odds are he’s still sleeping with his wife. Odds are he and his babymama are still together. Odds are he and his ex are back together (or never really broke up.) Odds are this guy does have a girlfriend or at least significant other. Instead of telling flat-out lies, some guys tell what I call “half-truths”. Not only is it a good way to create a fuzzy gray area when it comes to his personal life, but it doesn’t seem as bad in the end when he gets caught in a “half-lie” (“I told you that we were still messing around…”) The “but” clause is usually a good clue that he’s telling you the half-truth.
10) He tells you up front that he doesn’t want a relationship.
Women have this amazing gift to always be hopeful. This enables us to possess the superhuman determination not to give up in the face of adversity. Unfortunately, it also enables us to be able to fool ourselves into believing what we want to believe. If you meet a guy and he’s very frank about not wanting a girlfriend, don’t try read between the lines. There’s no mystery there. Even if you persist and do find a way to bully the proverbial nice-guy into a tenuous relationship, it will remain one-sided. Eventually, he will leave you for someone he actually wants to be with or avoid you until you get the hint.
If he doesn’t but you do, why set yourself up for failure?