Top 10 Reasons to Run the Other Way (When You Meet a Guy)

Over the years, I’ve given and received advice on what to look for when you first meet a guy. What’s equally as important, but not always discussed, is what are the warning signs that a guy probably isn’t worth your time. Since this has become the recent topic amongst my circle of friends, I’ve come up with my list of ten warning signs (in no particular order) to look out for when you first get to know someone:

1.) He’s unavailable.
No one expects a guy to answer the phone on the first ring or call you back within the hour every single time you leave a message – especially not in the beginning of a relationship (Remember, he had a life before he met you). But, if you see a pattern in his availability (i.e. You communicate constantly during work hours, but you can never get in touch with him on weekends; or, you get return calls during the day, but only text replies at night), chances are he’s: a. already taken or b. just not that into you.

2.) He’s inconsistent.
I’m sure every woman has met this guy at least once in their life:
He’s funny, outgoing, and sweet on the first date; he’s cold, nonchalant, and aloof on the phone the day after. Or, he’s affectionate, and attentive on the phone; he’s inconsiderate, rude, and arrogant in person.
Or how about he’s a modern day version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, where you never know who your going to get with each encounter: The mild-mannered, patient guy, or the sulky, “my-life-sucks” guy with unpredictable mood swings (I call them MMC’s or Male Menstrual Cycles.)
Guys who seem to always be switching personalities are either playing head games, or they’re truly bipolar (and not on any medication). Either way, don’t deal with it. If he’s like this in the beginning, it’ll only get worse.

3.) He’s self-centered.
This is the guy that monopolizes the conversation with stories about himself. You can barely get a word in edgewise, unless it’s to ask him about something about him. Even if you do start talking, chances are that instead of listening, he’s thinking about what he’s going to say next. He also finds a way to turn every topic into something about him.
(I once dated a guy who could find himself in everything-and I do mean everything-that was going on. If we were watching a movie about roman gladiators, he would interrupt the movie to talk about how he was meant to be a warrior and he should have been born during that time. If we were listening to a Tupac song, he would talk about how the lyrics spoke to his life, and then proceed to give examples. If you told him that someone you knew died, instead of consoling you, he would talk about how he felt when he lost someone he knew. Me, “I just found out my aunt died.” Him, “Yeah, that’s messed up. I remember when I lost my boy, so-and-so. It really messed me up, because…”) See what I mean?
This type of guy is too in love with himself to ever give you the attention you deserve. Take my advice on this one, and move on. Chances are, he won’t even notice.

4.) He talks about sex or brings up topics of a sexual nature too soon.
Let’s be honest, most guys are thinking about it when they first meet a girl (most guys are thinking about it period); but, when a guy starts diving straight into the sex talk, and you haven’t even gone on your first date, he’s only got one thing in mind when it comes to you. Seeing if he can get you to start talking about sex is his way of fishing around to see how receptive you are to the idea.
Most guys that do this won’t be that obvious. It might be a seemingly harmless conversation: “Hey, I saw this interesting article about women and multiple orgasms. Does that really happen? What’s the most you’ve had during one night?” Sometimes, they won’t even try be smooth about it: “Hey, what are you doing? How’s your day going? What’s your favorite sexual position?” Whether it’s in the form of casual conversation, harmless flirting, or a blatant come-on, any guy that brings up sex in the first few days of knowing you, doesn’t really want to know much else about you.

5.) He promises you the moon, and he doesn’t know your last name.
You meet a guy and within the first few days (sometimes hours), he’s talking about how hard he’s falling for you. He’s talking marriage, kids, and family, but you barely know each other. He admits that it’s crazy for him to feel this way, but he doesn’t know what it is about you; he’s never felt like this before. He’s even considering the L-word when it comes to you. If you meet this type of guy, don’t think, just run. Typically, guys don’t “fall” for women based on a couple of good conversations. Even if they do feel a spark, usually guys aren’t that open with their feelings. A guy that starts talking like this is either: a.) playing head games or b.) crazy/deranged. More often than not, he’s just trying get you to lower your guards and open your legs. If he really feels like he loves you (and he doesn’t even know your birthday), you might want to consider changing your number.

6.) He brags about what he has.
Any guy that brags about how much he makes, what type of car he has, or how big his house is, is superficial and insecure. The worst part is that he’s probably grossly exaggerating the truth or totally lying. These type of guys don’t have much else to offer you beyond the superficial, so they hope to impress you as much as they can in advance. Remember, men that are secure and men that actually have a lot going for them don’t need to brag.

7.) He’s not financially stable.
Things happen. Someone can lose a job, get sick, or go through a nasty divorce, and before they know it, they’re facing a major setback. I’m not necessarily talking about this type of guy. I’m talking about the guy who been unemployed more than he’s been employed. I’m talking about the 30 year-old who currently lives with his mom or maybe his grandma and has never lived anywhere else. I’m talking about the father, who has only lived with either his baby mama, his mother, or a girlfriend (never at his own place). This type of guy is not even worth your time. He’s comfortable living off women, and he has no means or intention of taking care of himself. And, if he can’t take care of himself, he can’t take care of you (whether you ever need him to or not). A man doesn’t need to be making six figures, but he needs to come to the table with something. At the bare minimum, he needs to at least be self-sufficient. Unless you’re in the market for another dependent, don’t bother with this one.

8.) He makes excuses as to why he doesn’t see his child(ren) or why he can’t take care of them.
Break-ups are hard. And when you throw children into the mix, it can get become damn near impossible for two people to even remain cordial to one another. Regardless of what has and continues to transpire between 2 exes, there’s no good reason why either can’t be a part of their children’s lives. A man should be moving heaven and earth to try to get to his kids. I’ve seen men drive back and forth out of state every other weekend see their kids. I’ve seen men relocate their homes and jobs to be closer to their children. I’ve seen men go through verbal and mental abuse from the ex, just to be able to be a father to their son or daughter. I’ve seen men spend most of their money and vacation leave going to court to fight for visitation or custody.
So when a guy tells you he doesn’t see his kids because “their mom won’t let me” or he tells you “I can’t see my kids because I would have to see my ex-wife, and I hate her”, take heed! If a guy can give up on or abandon his own seed, how important can you ever be to him?

9.) He’s doesn’t have a girlfriend/wife, but…
“I still mess around with my ex, but I don’t want to be with her.” “My wife and I are separated and we still live together, but we’re not having sex.” “I see my babymama every once in awhile, but we’re not together.” Sound familiar? Odds are he’s still sleeping with his wife. Odds are he and his babymama are still together. Odds are he and his ex are back together (or never really broke up.) Odds are this guy does have a girlfriend or at least significant other. Instead of telling flat-out lies, some guys tell what I call “half-truths”. Not only is it a good way to create a fuzzy gray area when it comes to his personal life, but it doesn’t seem as bad in the end when he gets caught in a “half-lie” (“I told you that we were still messing around…”) The “but” clause is usually a good clue that he’s telling you the half-truth.

10) He tells you up front that he doesn’t want a relationship.
Women have this amazing gift to always be hopeful. This enables us to possess the superhuman determination not to give up in the face of adversity. Unfortunately, it also enables us to be able to fool ourselves into believing what we want to believe. If you meet a guy and he’s very frank about not wanting a girlfriend, don’t try read between the lines. There’s no mystery there. Even if you persist and do find a way to bully the proverbial nice-guy into a tenuous relationship, it will remain one-sided. Eventually, he will leave you for someone he actually wants to be with or avoid you until you get the hint.
If he doesn’t but you do, why set yourself up for failure?


The Golden Rule

Dear Nazzy,

To wait or not to wait; that is the question. So how long do you wait before getting busy with someone new? Do you follow the 90 day rule? What if you’ve been friends for a year and a half and dated off and on and you get serious and start dating exclusively, how do you wait then?

From Michelle C., Maryland

Dear Michelle,

Personally, if I’m really interested in a guy for the long term, I’m not having sex with him until we’re in an established, committed relationship. The longer you wait, the more likely you’ll weed out the ones who’re just interested in sex. Plus, it’s the thrill of the chase for most guys and they lose interest pretty quickly after they get some – unless you two already have some type of feelings/bond established. If you’re dating exclusively, get time to know each other emotionally before you add the physical part. (1-3 months maybe? There’s no hard rule about the time – as long as you’re comfortable.) Women are wired differently, and physical intimacy can generate the illusion of emotional intimacy – and that’s where you start making all kinds of dumb decisions (like co-signing on a car loan). Once (good/great) sex enters the room, it’s hard see past anything else.
On the other hand, if you don’t see a future with a new guy (but he’s really hot) by all means, go for it. Just keep in perspective what you want, be realistic with your expectations, and have fun.



He’s Just a Friend

Dear Nazzy,

I have a male friend from work who I’ve know for about 4 years now. He’s like my best friend. He’s funny, considerate, and smart. Whenever I call him for something, he’s always there. If something breaks in my house, he’s rushed right over to fix it. I even talk to him about my man problems, and he listens – no matter how ridiculous they are. My other friends say that he really likes me. I don’t believe that he does, since he’s never mentioned anything of the sort. We’ve gone out to dinners, the movies, and amusement parks, and he hasn’t once tried to hit on me. My issue is that about 2 months ago, I started noticing him in a different way. I’m not sure what changed it, but now I have a serious crush on him. His last girlfriend broke up with him last fall, so he’s single. (I know she had a problem with us being so close, because he told me so.) Should I tell him about my feelings and risk making our friendship awkward, or should I just let it go and wait until my feelings fade away?

Kimmie K., Virginia

Dear Kimmie,

No on knows how your friend really feels about you, except him. Now, would a guy spend so much time with a girl and drop everything whenever she called if he was only interested in her as a friend? Probably not, but I can’t say for certain. I think that you should hint around and see how he feels about you. You don’t have to have full disclosure, where you confess your undying love for him. Ask him a question like, “We’re such good friends. Have you ever thought about what if you and I started dating?” If he says that he has thought of it, you can explore that further and see where it leads. If he says, “Ewww, no!”, then you can laugh it off and say something like “Yeah, that’d be weird, wouldn’t it?” – and then excuse yourself to the bathroom to quietly cry to yourself in the mirror. That way, you can save face and reduce the risk of ruining your friendship. Regardless of how you decide to go about it, you should at least try. As the saying goes, “Nothing beats a failure, but a try.” You can leave things the way the way they are by not taking a risk, but if you don’t try, you’re missing out on a chance at a really great relationship.

Good luck!



No short, short man

Dear Nazzy,

I have a serious dilemma! After a string of sh#!!y relationships, I’ve finally met a wonderful man. He’s tall, handsome, caring, romantic. He’s really good with my two kids. (I have 2 boys age 13 and 15.) Everything was perfect until we slept together. I thought he was being respectful by trying to wait, but now I understand why he wasn’t in much of a hurry to have sex. He’s extremely small! When I say he’s small, I mean he’s hung like a teacup Yorkie (Well, maybe not that small, but you get the picture.) Anywho, ever since then, I can’t even look at him the same. I know sex isn’t the most important part of relationship and I shouldn’t be so caught up in the outside (It’s not the size of the boat, it the motion of the ocean, yada, yada, yada…), but I swear, at his size, he is physically incapable of satisfying me in any way during normal sex! He’s such a good guy, and we had so much chemistry before all this that I’m trying to get past this. What should I do? HELPPP!

Ms. Extremely Unsatisfied

Dear Ms. E.,

Okay, I purposely avoided answering your question a while back for the simple fact that I when I started this, I was really hoping I wouldn’t get this type of question. Relationships are hard enough. When something like this happens, I feel awful for both parties. Here you have a good man who has so many good qualities, but he’s lacking in one small area. (No pun intended.) You’re correct in saying that sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship, but it is a significant part.
So, what are your options? You didn’t mention whether your issue with him is his size alone or if there was a problem with his technique, as well. What about foreplay? There are other ways he can make up for his shortcomings. (Okay, that one just slipped out:) It’s possible that you can work with him to find out what you like and how he can satisfy you during sex. If that doesn’t help and you’re serious about making the relationship work, there are surgical and nonsurgical options that you two may want to explore. (Ironically, I have tons of penis enlargement emails that I can forward to you if you want more information.)
I do have to be honest and tell you that if you think that there’s no hope of ever having a satisfying sex life with this man, then you need to do yourself and him a favor by letting it go. If you continue to stay with someone who’s not making you happy, just because he’s a really good guy, then you’re going to find yourself getting frustrated, bitter, and resentful towards him. This can lead to you losing respect for him, berating and nagging him, and possibly inviting the cable guy back to your house to take advantage of his special “installation package.” That wouldn’t be fair to you and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to this guy. So, give it a little time to try to work on things (3 months tops, in my opinion), but if it’s not working, then cut your losses and allow both of you the opportunity to find real happiness.
So, I hope it works out with you two, and let me know if you need me to forward those emails.



She wants that old thing back…

Dear Nazzy,

A few years ago, I dated this guy (Let’s call him “Bob”) for a little over a year. We’d been friends since high school and started dating after I’d got out of a bad 3 year relationship with my daughter’s father. Me and Bob dated for over a year and things were good. He’s funny, attractive, and romantic. He took care of my daughter like she was his own (better than her own dad), he took care of me, and we had a very satisfying sex life. The problem I had with him was that he was shorter than me (by an inch) and he was overweight. We had a good relationship, but I couldn’t get over his physical appearance. I’d get embarrassed when we went out, thinking that everyone was wondering how we got together. Well, I ended up cheating on him with the type of guy that I’m usually attracted to (tall, built, and handsome). To add insult to injury, I broke up with Bob and began dating the new guy. Cut to 2 years later, and I still can’t stop thinking about Bob. I’m still dating the new guy, but it’s starting to fizzle. He’s conceited and self-centered. I get bored talking with him, and I’m even more bored in the bedroom. Even though it seemed like a perfect match from the outside, something was missing. Now that I’ve matured, I finally realized that everything that the new guy is missing, I already had in Bob. A few months ago, I reached out to Bob and told him how I felt. He told me he was really hurt when I left, but he’s gotten over it. He’s dating someone new (not serious) and he still has some feelings for me, but he wants us to let it go and just be friends. The problem is that I can’t let it go. What should I do?

T. L., East Coast, USA

Dear “T”,

I understand that you’re living in a state of regret right now. Who wouldn’t? You found a good guy who treated you and your daughter well, but you couldn’t get past your own shallowness. Now, you’re hating life and wishing you could go back in time and make better choices. The issue with that is what’s done is done. Part of growing up means accepting responsibility for your actions and making amends. You can’t change the past, but you can work on your future. Even though you may want another chance, Bob’s obviously not ready to give it to you. If he wants you guys to be friends, then you have to accept that. (Respecting another person’s decision is another part of growing up.) You can start making up for your past by showing Bob how good of a friend you can be to him. Be genuine, be dependable, and be real. Respect his new relationship and be there for him as friend. (Hint: Don’t try to be the chick on the side just to show him what he’s missing – that might be all he’ll ever see you as.) Who knows? If the opportunity arises, the time is right, and the planets align, you two may find yourself back together. If not, then you learned a valuable lesson; so when you start dating another guy, you’ll remember what’s really important in a good relationship. Good luck!



Wife vs Wifey

Dear Nazzy,
I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 4 months. Everything was going good, until he was MIA during the holidays. He never showed up for Christmas, he hardly answered his phone, and he would call back hours or days after I called him. When I pressed him for answers, he told me that not only was he not divorced from his wife, but they still live together. He said that they’ve been separated for over a year, and he’s waiting until his kids (11 and 8 years old) graduate from high school, because his lawyer told him that he would have to pay a ridiculous amount in child support (he makes good money), and he can’t afford it. He begged me not leave him and to wait for him until he leaves his wife. He says that he doesn’t love her and he stopped sleeping with her over a year ago. He claims he fell in love with me and I’m the one he wants to be with. At first I was real angry, but now I’m hurt and confused. He’s the perfect guy for me and we have so much chemistry. Should I give all of that up or should I wait and see what happens? What should I do?


Dear Nisha,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, but I’m going to have to be blunt. I’m really amazed at how many women fall for the same lines when it comes to dating married men. News Flash: HIS STORY IS NOTHING NEW! You can poll a number of women of all different races, sizes, education, and socioeconomic status, who’ve dated married men and I bet they’ll all have similar stories. As a matter of fact, I have 3 other stories, similar to yours, in my inbox, waiting for me to respond. Don’t trick yourself into thinking your situation is different. Granted, there are instances where a man has left his wife for another woman (rare!), and they actually get married (rarer!), and in turn, he doesn’t cheat on his new wife or leave her for another woman (rarest of all!). The likelihood of that happening to you is very slim.

I don’t know this guy, but already, there are red flags flying all around him:
#1. He lied – not about his weight or his school grades, but about being married! Which brings me to my next flag…
#2. He’s married – this is a no-brainer; no explanation needed
#3. They still live together – if he makes so much money, he can afford his own place if he really wanted to separate. (And if you think they aren’t having sex, I have a sales pitch for Amway that I’d like you to hear…)
#4. He was MIA during the holidays – That doesn’t sound like they’re separated to me. It sounds like he spent the holiday with his wife and family, as he normally does. He was MIA because he couldn’t afford to make her suspicious by slipping out to see you. And finally,
#5. He’s willing to stay in an “unhappy” situation with a woman he claims not to love in order to – get this – avoid paying money to support his kids! (This should tell you a whole lot about his character.)

When you take a step back and really look at this man, he’s really not an ideal mate. My advice is to cut your losses and move on. Do you really want to spend years waiting for this guy in the hopes that he’ll leave his wife and marry you? Do you want to be content with being “Wifey”, while never meeting his family, waiting for him to be available to come see you, and getting whatever leftover time and attention he can spare? This is something that only you can decide.
Relationships are complicated enough without having to compete with your boyfriend’s spouse. Even if he does leave her, what’s to say he won’t do the same to you? Hopefully, you’ll make the right choice for yourself and stop letting this man have his cake and eat it, too.




Put A Name On It

Dear Nazzy,

I’ve been dating this guy for almost two months now. We met online and things clicked right away. We get along great, I’ve met his kids, and we spend almost every day together.
The issue is that he refuses to acknowledge me as his girlfriend. He keeps telling me he doesn’t like titles (whatever that means) and he wants us just to leave things the way they are. I don’t see what the big deal is and I’m starting to get impatient. I’m not dating anyone else and he says he’s not dating anyone else.
What should I do? How long should I wait?

Raina H.

Dear Raina,

First off, you might want to slow down – it hasn’t even been two months. In my opinion, it’s a tad bit too early to start pressuring a guy for a relationship. You two are just getting to know each other. If he’s not comfortable committing to a relationship with you right now, I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. Men operate diffently than women. The physical connection happens fairly easy, but the emotional connection can take a little longer. These things take some time and if you pressure him, he’ll start to pull away (And you can end up on stalker status.)
Now, how long you should wait depends on what you’re comfortable with. Just because he doesn’t want to label you doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you. He might just be a little leery of jumping into something too soon. Maybe he feels he’s too old to be in a “girlfriend-boyfriend” relationship.
On the other hand, it could mean that he doesn’t want to commit to anyone – or maybe he just doesn’t want to committ to you. Maybe he’s waiting for Ms. Right and you just happen to be Ms. Right Now. Just because he says he’s not currently dating anyone else, doesn’t mean he doesn’t plan on dating anyone else in the near future. Some women make the mistake of not listening to a man when he’s being honest about what he wants – thinking they can change him or he’ll change his mind.
Whatever the case, you need to give it a few more months to find out. If he’s willing be in an exclusive dating relationship with you, don’t get caught up in names and labels. Actions speak louder than words. But, if he avoids stating that he only wants to date you (or, if he says that he’s not ready for a relationship) – regardless of how much time you spend together – then you need to accept that he’s not going to give you what you want and move on. Otherwise, you can’t fault the guy if he dumps you or ends up with another woman.
Be clear about what you want and be brave enough to move on if you’re not getting it. You set your expectations in the beginning of a relationship, not 2 years later.

Live life and be blessed!

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